fighter's journal

He texted again last Tuesday night.

Wednesday early morning, i gave in my urge to reply to his message. I hear all of you ask why? It is simply because I not want him to think I have something against him.

So i replied with my reasons why I was not able to reply to his previous messages. Then I answered his question on how I am doing. I said that I am good and I have never been better.

His reply kind of irked the hell out of me! He was asking why i have never been better, asking me if there is someone new. These questions were followed by "hehehe."

FOREWARNING: These words may hurt or may put me in the position of being bitter towards him (or you, if ever you read this) but I DO NOT CARE! This is my journal for crying out loud. I just want to put this annoyance in words. And if ever YOU are reading this piece of shit, this "letter" is for you!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE IF I HAVE SOMEONE NEW?

What pissed me more is that you followed your question with the "hehehe" thingie. It is as if the thought of me being with that "someone new" tickles the hell out of you!

I am not concluding you meant it that way, I just want to say that that is the way I understood it.

and for that matter: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

and sorry to burst your bubbles, I AM NOT LIKE YOU. You who would feel better ONLY if you have SOMEONE by your side. I am sorry but I can be happy even without "someone" or, even more, "someone new." I AM NOT LIKE YOU who are so caught up with love that you cannot live without someone adoring you and boosting your ego. You who cannot live without someone beside you whose function was to praise you and your "perfectness."

I AM NOT LIKE YOU WHO CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT SOMEONE LOVING ME. I CAN SURVIVE EVEN WITH MY FRIENDS AROUND. AND I AM NOT LIKE YOU WHO TEND TO FORGET HIS FRIENDS (IF EVER YOU CONSIDER US AS ONE) JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR NEW LOVE.

I AM MORE THAN THAT.

MUCH MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

There I said my piece.

This will be the last, I PROMISE.

_________________________________________________________

On the other hand, PLEASE PRAY FOR THE CONDITION OF POPE JOHN PAUL II.

For those who do not know (Where the hell are you? It is all over the news!), he is in a "very serious condition" according to a Vatican Official.

PLEASE PRAY!

You won’t leave me alone
Ugly, empty, ugly black hole;
Ugly, ugly, hollow thoughts
Why do you play with me like that?
You make me sick and you break my heart
You make me cry and you break my spirit
You take away my pride and destroy my life
Why won’t you leave me alone?

I can feel your claws digging into my heart,
Grabbing me by the throat
And ripping me into pieces…
I feel so hollow
(I want to go insane!)
So desperately unsightly,
So desperately inadequate;
So obviously torn
Weak, weary, wretched, whiny witch
Why, why, why?

You don’t own me
And yet you make me your slave
I am despicable
I am disposable
I am detestable
I am me,
Can you say enough?
Can’t you say goodbye?
Do you love me so much?
I don’t understand this before
But now I do.

I am sitting here in million pieces
While you sip your expensive wine;
While you are with your new love;
And you think I don’t see you?
But I do!
Through the mirror that blackens my soul –
Stained, sickly, sorry, sorry soul
And all for you…
All for you!

Now i can say
You don’t know me
You don’t own me
You’ve disowned me
As I have you…

Say your prayers tonight
And feel as the sticky bedbugs bite,
For I will not let you become my gravedigger…
Black, black hole
Leave me alone!
I can dig my own decrepit grave…

I will never need you grief,
So leave me alone…

Who needs you when I already have myself?

I am still at work and I have been reading my journal.

I decided that I should write more of happy thoughts rather than depressing ones.

So from now on, all that I will write will be about happy thoughts and happy events in my life.

I'll start it by saying:

I AM EXCITED FOR OUR ANOTHER GALERA GET-AWAY!!!!

We will go back there at the end of the month.

HOW CAN I WRITE HAPPY THOUGHTS IF THERE IS NO REASON TO BE HAPPY?!?!??

First things first. Our payday was supposed to be on the tenth. Fortunately(for some people), April 10 fell on a Sunday so it means that our salary will be available on the 8th, which fell on a Friday.

So last Friday night, I checked on my ATM to see if my salary was there already. To my disappointment, wala pa. So I have to wait until Sunday night to check it again (The canteen was closed last Saturday and the ATM machine on UCPB on Thomas Morato was offline). No money yet.

So this morning, I called up GMA Finance to asked what happened. They said that they were able to deposit the money in my account. Then the lady on the phone dictated the account number they put the money into. The last number was different from mine.There has been a mistake.

OH MY GOD!

Then I asked her when this will be fixed and she answered me in three fu*king words: "Next sweldo pa." Two weeks from now.

SO here I am in my cubicle, lonely, hungry with no money for two weeks. Actually, that is not real,I still have money but I am saving for our Galera trip. And you know what this means? NO GIMIKS FOR TWO WEEKS!!! OH MY GOD TALAGA!

LUNCHTIME MEETING with MAM GRACE TOMORROW

We will have a lunchtime meeting with Mam Grace tomorrow. So I have to be at GMA at 12 noon and my shift would not start until 6 PM. Good news right? ARGH!

However, there is a good news. Mam Grace called me awhile ago to ask me if I could be her point person in the monitoring team. I said yes, of course. Then she told me that since I will be extra work aside from monitoring, she will adjust my salary! Now, that is one reason to be happy.

But from now on until the 25th (my next payday), I will remain blue and sad.

Now I am REALLY looking forward for Galera!

 

I really have to admit, I miss my little prince. But not to a point where I would text him silly quotes or messages. I just miss him. Is that bad?

The revelation happened this afternoon when I was about to have my afternoon nap. I checked on my cellphone and erased some of the old messages. I saw his messages to me last month and, somehow, it made me smile. Why? Because I remembered every little thing we shared. And in all honesty, I really missed him.

I wonder where he is at this very moment. And i wonder if he is happy. I hope he is. Really.

Anyway, I am still at work. I will be here until around 1 AM.

Galera in two weeks. Cannot wait.

till next time!

One thing I learned from this thing called love is that it really is a rollercoaster. There will come a time that you think you are over someone and then in a second you could miss him miserably. But wait, does missing someone means you are not over him yet? I do not think so.

I have to admit, as my previous post suggests, I miss my little prince. But not to the point wherein I would text him silly quotes or messages. I just miss him. I just miss being with him and talking with him. I guess that is okay, right?

But still I do not know how to act if ever we are in the same room. Will I be able to overcome my emotions? Or will my emotions take control of me? But I guess that it is normal for my emotions to take control of me, right?

Come on, let me know what you think.

A LETTER FOR YOU

I am thinking if you are thinking of me too, the same way I am thinking of you. And I wonder if you dream of meeting me the way I dream of meeting you.

You do not know how much I long to have and to hold you. They say that the reason why it's taking me too long to find you is that God is still preparing for our love story. I cannot wait. For I have dreamt so long to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet.

I haven't met you yet, but I know you by heart.

I don't know about you, but in my mind, our meeting has been set. It has been set in a middle of a very romantic scenery with me and you standing and hugging each other. Telling each other how glad we have found one another. Beyond the valley of what is right and what is wrong, I believe there is a place for us. I shall meet you there.

I do not know when that will happen. But I am hoping that if ever we meet, everything will just be.

A WEIRD DREAM LAST NIGHT

I just had a weird dream last night. How weird? VERY WEIRD.

First dream: I was at a beach seeking for something. Then a tsunami attacked the shores. I ran towards the nearest house and climb up to the highest floor. There I was stuck on a piece of wood until I found myself in the middle of someone else's room writing on my online journal about the tsunami. Then there was ANOTHER tsunami. As I climbed out the room's window, I came to my senses.

Second dream: I dreamt of my little prince. There you go. We were in an FX with another friend. I was sitting in front of him at the back part of the car and our friend was sitting in the middle. I was talking to my friend and was trying to avoid his (my little prince's) presence. Finally, someone called my friend. So I have to keep my mouth shut. So I gazed in another direction. After a few seconds, I felt uneasy so I just pretend that I was sleeping. Them my friend was asking me why I was not talking to my little prince. I Ignored them. Then there, he (my little prince) kept on saying that i was mad at him, so and so. He squeezed my nose pa nga eh. Then I started to cry, complaining how I was feeling about my problems. Then i woke up.

Weird, right? Tres weird.

 

This will be the first time (and prolly the last) I am going to pour this things out online. I just have to let this thing out.

Do you think you deserve our respect? If you think you do, show us that you are someone to respect to.

For the last fifteen years of my life, I can say that the times we spent together, if put together, will just amount to barely half a year. The times when I was still in school, you used to go home at around 4 AM. Then you leave for your so-called work at 8 AM. So do you think there will be some quality time for us to bond? For you to know me better or for me to know you better?

Before, Sundays were always special to me because this will be the time that you were there. These were the times when I will feel your presence. But for the past two years, I think, that is no longer the case. Now, you are claiming that you work on Sundays.

Given you were working overtime everyday, also on Saturdays and Sundays, should we have gone rich by now? Where does the money go, pa?

I miss the days when we would have an early Sunday Breakfast, usually at Luk Yuen Greenhills, then we, as a whole family, will go together to attend mass at a church nearby. Gone are the days when you would give us monthly allowances. I miss those days, pa.

YOU MISS CALLED LAST SUNDAY NIGHT.

I ignored it.

I am now starting to walk away from you without coming back. I am now confident that I am more on the side where in I can say that I am over you rather on the side where in I am still holding on. So crazy, but very true. Sometimes, you are not even on my mind. And based from the stories that find its way to me, I pity you. And for that, this I will tell you: you can never be happy with someone if you are no happy with yourself. The reason why you skip from one relationship to another is that you are not satisfied with the way things go in your life. You have to find and re-assess yourself before you enter into another relationship.

But I have to admit, I am scared of what will happen in Galera if ever you are coming. I am still missing you sometimes. This is the reason why I think that one of my feet is still on the side where in I am still holding on.

I am afraid I would do something stupid when you are in front of me. I am afraid of saying something that I would regret later on. I am afraid of giving in the need to have you. I am afraid I would lose myself with you in the night at the sea shore. I am simply afraid.

This is too confusing. This is what I have become after you happened in my life: SCHIZOPHRENIC.

GALERA IN THREE DAYS

I cannot wait.