fighter's journal

i hate being too honest, not only to my friends but also to myself.

i know this posting will contradict what i have said in the recent posts and will go against what i have said to my friends.

i know i have said in my previous post that i am happy with what we have. i am happy that he is there. and he will always be special to me as i hope i am special to him. when i said those things, i am being honest with myself, believe me.

and as my honesty continues to bug my mind, a thought enters my mind: is it possible that i believe only in the things that i wish to believe in? did that "certain special treatment" really happened? or is it just my imagination? my wild crazy imagination.

i hate to admit that the "certain special treatment" has gone.

he rarely texts me anymore. he rarely calls. i barely feel his presence.

now, in all honesty (f*ck this honesty!), i believe that NOTHING happened between us.

he remains this guy who will not reciprocate my love. he will be this guy whose ego gets bigger as he realize how deeply i am in love with him. he will always be this guy who will take advanatage of my vulnerability towards my feelings over him.

and now i am being honest to myself, this love that i dreamt of can never work out. this love will remain as a dream. a dream that you can see but you can never feel.

i hate being TOO honest. it hurts me so much.

oh, did i also mention that he has a new love?

that is honesty for you.

honesty can hurt but it can make you realize how you are stupidly led by others. it can bump you into your head and make you realize the things you are suppose to be seeing but you force yourself to be blinded by certain things.

and as my previous post mentioned, i am open into entertainng new guys. maybe ill go clubbing every weekends and kiss every lips that come my way.

maybe ill go every Wednesday to Baclaran Church and pray to God and thank Him for every blessings and challenges that come my way.

there are a lot of things i wanna do and i wanna change about myself.

a friend just texted me saying i have to be strong. i am strong. but sometimes, i do not know where i could gather strength from. there are times when i cannot help it but cry.

_______________________________________________________

yesterday was quite something.

went back to where my second home used to be: LETRAN COLLEGE.

my visit makes me feel how much i miss school. and how i long to be back in those carefree days. when the only priority you have is how to get a good grade.

but now, after school, everything has been so complicated.

life, money, love and almost everything that concerns life!

i was with my friends last night. sang the night away. i had fun! just made me realize how i miss being with them.

then went to a friend. we just talked. nothing special happened. but i felt completely crushed by what is happening to me.

i am not like this.

again, i am becoming someone i do not want to become.

Last night was quite something.

I went home past 3 AM this morning from a night out with friends to meet guys. I changed from my night-out clothes and jumped into my PJs. I flicked on my lamp and lay down my bed.

Then I thought of you.

I tried to avoid the urge of remembering every moment we spent. I turned around, hugged my yellow pillow and closed my eyes. But your face continued to haunt my mind.

Finally, after 30 minutes of struggle, I gave in to the urge. I stood up and turned on the radio. I took a deep breath as if preparing for another emotional outpour. The radio played songs that remind me of us. Everything we were, everything we could have been and everything I wanted you to know.

I fought back the tears and buried my face deep into my yellow pillow. Buried it as hard as I could, and imagine it was your arms.

Then I thought of all the things you said.

I checked my sources. Every conversation leads to nothing. How easily I was led and made to believe that you cared for me the way I cared for you. How easily I was led and was made to believe that you could love me too. You whose ego gets bigger each time you know someone is falling in love with you. You who cannot contain your emotions and let others think that you could be loving them too.

I feel like such a fool every time I think that I was one of them.

Then I checked on my cell phone. Read every message you sent and looked at every picture that we have. I stared at our pictures thinking what could have been.

I am dying to talk to you. There are so many loose ends where I stand. And even if I am scared to loose everything we have, I still have faith on our friendship. Our friendship is the strongest part of me right now. It lives inside of me. And everything you have taught me made me a better person that I was before.

Then I prayed that you come into my dreams to ease the pain inside of me and to end my heartache. I want you to ease the pain before this pain turns into anger. I do not want that to happen.

The radio continued to play sentimental songs as I hug my pillow tighter wishing it was you I was hugging.

Then you made me cry.

How could I stop feeling this way?

I was afraid I would feel this way.

I felt like a prey of your words. I am stuck with your words the same way I am stuck with you. I am caught up in your web of words. And I do not know how to pull through from your existence. Even if I am far away from you, you continue to haunt my being.

Stories continue to pour in about our love story that has ended even before it begun. Sad but true, it turned out that it was just a one-way love. Ako lang ang nagmahal. At balewala sa iyo ang pagmamahal na ito.

I felt like I was taken for granted. It is so frustrating. Gusto mo lang akong kausapin kung kailan mo gusto. That’s simply how I am feeling right now.

I know I have said that I have faith in our friendship, but I do not know what to feel right now.

When would I stop feeling this way? It is only I who could tell.

I hate myself (again?) for being too dwelled in our memories. Tuwing may mahal ako, sa kanya lang umiikot ang mundo ko. But what can I do if memories are all that are left in me. I cannot avoid reminiscing because that is all you have given me: memories.

It is as if my body is alive but my emotions are dead. In due time, I will get over this desolation. Reveries will help me get over this feeling. Smile would once again lit my face.

But for now, I would swim with the pain and the sorrows. I need to cry these things out. I need to reassess what happened and to know what went wrong and pick up all the lessons that emerged from the experience.

Between us, promises are really made to be broken. But what i want to be broken is the promise of tonight to become another sleepless solitude.

Soon, time will come that life will be worth living again.

I can't wait for that day.

The story is just sinking in my mind.

Valentine’s day, you broke with your love in the afternoon, we went out for dinner. After our dinner, you have another new love.

Is love that simple for you?

For those who are wondering (including my little prince, if ever he is reading this, so you know what happened), here is our love story, integrated with songs that touched my heart so deeply.

When I realized I fell in love with you, you were with someone. You have your own love. And who am I to come in between the two of you?

Halata ba? sa aking mga mata na ako’y may nais ipadama ngunit ako’y nangangamba baka may masaktang iba…Ano bang dapat kong gawin sa magulong isip at damdamin? Hindi ko yata kayang sabihin, wala na kong magagawa kundi ibulong sa hangin…Sa hangin kita hahagkan at yayakapin, wag kang mag-alala, di ito malalaman ng iba….

I know that you know about these feelings I have for you. I know you are smart enough to see it in my eyes. I decided not to tell you this myself because you have someone. You love someone, for that matter. I find solace in dreaming and loving you in my dreams. For in my dreams, you are all mine. No one can take you away from me in my dreams. And I just dreamt that one day you would come to know of my love.

Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall. For a chance to be with you, I’d gladly risk it all. Through the fire, to whatever, come what may, for a chance of loving you, I’d take it all the way…

February 03, you called. You broke up with your love. In all my honesty I have to admit, it gave me a chance to get through you, to have you. I, together with my friends, decided that I should tell you everything I feel. I just have to wait for the right time, I told them. But, to everyone’s surprise, come nighttime, you were reconciled.

Let the love begin, let the love come shining in. Who knows where the road will lead us now? Look at what we’ve found, make this moment turn our hearts around. It may never come again, let it in, let the love begin.

February 14, you broke up again in the afternoon. At nighttime, we went out for a group dinner date. I really thought we had it made. I was so happy I was able to go out on date on Valentine’s Day with the only person I want to spend my life with. As the songs suggests, I thought this was the beginning.

I really planned how to tell you everything. I seek the opinion of others if I should reveal my true feelings to you. They said that you already know about these feelings but they said that it should come from me. So I came up with different ways (yes, more than one.) on how to tell you everything. I banked on the thought of telling you over the weekend (after VDay) or on my birthday.

Kamusta na, nandyan ka pa ba? Wala na yatang magagawa kundi tumawa. Nandyan pa ba mga ala-ala? Ang tanging bagay na naiwan sa 'ting dalawa. Nakita ko na lahat ito, pinahihiwatig ng mata mo. Salamat na lamang sa iyo...

February 22, my birthday. I was about to tell you everything I feel but friends told me you have yet another love. So I kept quiet. I do not want to hurt myself on my special day. Plus, I came to know that I am contented with what we have. I was afraid to risk everything because I do not want to lose in my life.

Also, I can see it in your eyes that you could never acknowledge the love I am offering you. I am not that dumb not to feel I am unwanted. Albeit, I want to say thank you for being there and for being my friend.

Kulang na kulang ba? Hindi pa ba sapat? Inubos kong lahat ngpPanahon ko sa’ yo. Anong gagawin? Di mo pinapansin itong damdamin, aking paglalambing…

March 04, I went with my friends in a night out. Another story surfaced out. An unkown story which happened last Valentine’s Day. You broke up with your previous love, we went out for a group dinner (notice how I never called it a date? Go figure!), then at nighttime, you and your new love happened. Until now, I do not know how to fel about this incident.

With what happened, I want to ask him one question: am I not good enough for him? When will I be good enough for someone?

If the feeling is gone, please don’t pretend that you still love me…All I ask is just a little honesty, though I know that your not coming back to me, you know I’ll do anything to make you stay…But I just have to let you go, if the feeling is gone….

The real question is: were there any feelings? Did the feelings exist? I simply do not know.

Sometimes, I am losing grip, yet I am still holding on. It is all so confusing and frustrating. One moment I want him out of my life, next moment I want him closer.

Truly, my heart has been bruised by you. I am still searching for a cure while I am still licking the wounds.

So with this, I have to cut the cord between us. A one-way cord that connects me to you. I have to do this not to hurt myself, but so I could love again soon. Do not worry, for I think nothing will be lost the moment I cut this cord. No one loved each other truly. I only wanted to think you did, and you only wanted me to feel loved so as not to hurt me so.

After this, I am hoping we remain as friends. I also hope that the special friendship between us will still live. Your friendship is one of the strongest parts inside of me. Knowing I have you is enough for me to get through mundane and miserable things. You became a significant part of me, I cannot deny that.

Huwag ka lang mawawala, kapag nariyan ka ako’y sumisigla…

I know it will take long before I can mend this torn state I am in and before I can love again. But I let out a silent prayer: let this be over soon.

CANNOT WAIT FOR VIGAN GETAWAY!!!!

This is my first entry in my journal using the font options (if that is what you call them...). So I am gonna make fun of it. Bear with me. I cannot wait for our Vigan Get Away for the Holy Week.

Last weekend was the most BUSY and "NGARAG" day in my whole post-college life. I had an event for SAGA, the Candy Rap Awards. Thank God there were three trainees so I can distribute the workload i had. In all fairness to them, they were great!

I arriived at the site at around 6AM. Then set-up of chairs, curtains, streamers, foyer, booths, and the registration. I never even had the chance to eat heavy lunch. The event went smoothly, except for the trophy that fell of the podium because of a certain StarStruck avenger (that's what they call themselves right?).

The good thing in events like these is you get to meet a lot of famous people. Last Saturday, i was able to meet Drew Arellano and Marielle Rodriguez (the hosts of the event), Star Struck batch 1 & batch 2, Marc Nelson, Kc Montero, Iya Villania, the four winners of the VJ Hunt 2005, Marc Abaya, and Maxene Magalona. Among the bands who played were Sponge Cola (the best!) , Hale and Parokya ni Edgar.

Anyway, Jeff, Cholo and James watched the show. I hoped they enjoyed it as much as I did.

After the show, we went to Greenbelt to have some time to chat with our other friends from the online community.

I went home in an hour because I was so tired.

This Wednesday, we are due to go to Vigan for a much deserved break. I will be with Cholo, Jeff, Richard, Nico, Sir Alex, Topher, James, and, if things turn out right, Spoil (the guy I met in a bar three weeks ago). We will be staying at Cholo's house until Friday morning. Then we will go to Pagudpod (I hope I got it right) until Saturday afternoon.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! 

Another concern: JOB.

It is only a week from now before my contract at GMA Network expires. And i am still thinking twice if I should go back to SAGA Events.

Let us face it, though GMA Network is offering the same work for the same pay again, GMA Network will always be GMA network. There are so many future options for me here. Unlike in SAGA Events, albeit the money they pay you per event, production coordinator ako forever. But I enjoy working as a production coordinator. But I am still thinking. I plan to weigh things when I am in Vigan, I just hope Vigan will do me good.

WISH ME LUCK!

NEWSFLASH: MY PRINCE CONTINUES TO FADE AWAY.

It has been weeks since he last texted me. Actually, it has been a month! I do not know how to feel about this, but i can say that i am starting to give him up. I think of him less, but i cannot say i care for him less because we never had a chance to be together in the same room (or place) since my birthday (exactly one month nga). The Starbucks-Treat-on-His-Next-Pay-Day-as-a-Gift-For-My-Birthday Promise did not push through. Well, as cliche as it may seem, promises are really made to be broken, right?

And I'd do anything for you,I'll give you up
If that's what I should do , to make you happy

I can pretend each time I see you that I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying, you know you'll never see me cryin'

Don't you ever think that I don't love you that for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right and you just have to say goodbye

I read this somewhere: there is a big difference in letting go and giving up. The reason why i said in the previous that I am starting to give him up rather than letting him go. Letting go is basically sacrificing what was rightfully yours and what you used to call your own while giving up is forgetting what was never yours. He was never mine. So I guess, i have to give him up. So the line from Gloria Estefan's  Anything For You fits for me. I should give him up, if that will make him happy. And, bitterness aside, i wish he is.

gosh! emo attacks again.

One thing's for sure:

I SIMPLY CANNOT WAIT FOR VIGAN GETAWAY!!!!

 

I was late for work today.

I remember the lesson that a book (Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom) taught me. We are all connected with each other in some ways. I do not know but I keep on thinking that the reason why I got late for work today is because someone is too early for his/her work.

Another thing, I was reading the online journal of the former flame of my former prospect. I would not dwell you with that story but let me just say that I “approached” my prospect before they even broke up. So, basically, we kind of overlapped. But karma really finds its way to me, we (former prospect and me) did not happen.

So, I am like here in my nook at my office thinking: am I part of the pain that the former flame of my former prospect felt? Did I also hurt him?

I do not want to be assuming or something but I cannot help but think.

EMO BLUES

He finally sent me a message last night asking how I was. I do not have the chance to reply because, first, I was asleep already when I received the message. Second, I do not have enough load. Maybe I will reply later when I had the chance to get myself a load.

I also do not know if he was calling or he just miss called my mobile.

I do not know what to do. I am always afraid I would go back to where I used to be. Now, that I am starting to give him up, he made me feel his presence. It is not that I do not want to be his friend; it is just that I am not ready yet to feel his presence. Bitter? I guess so, but not so.

There are still some empty spaces needed to be filled. I am not ready yet. But time is my friend, it will come soon.

NEW BOY ALERT!

Though I am still aching over my love for my previous prospect, I am not closing my doors to other guys. And recently, I am getting to know this cool guy that was given to me by another friend because I was asking her to give me some SUN 24/7 text mates. Since nothing has happened yet, I would not even bother to mention his name because there is a large chance he might read this. I gave him the link to my journal because he asked my about my “past” love.

I call him my bomb, he calls me his chiax (OMG! This is so obvious na!). I know it is corny but the hell I care! I am really starting to like him even though he lives far from Manila.

Maybe someday we will meet. And when that time comes, I hope everything will just fall into its place.

VIGAN GET AWAY STORY

Finally…

It was so wonderful. Though there were no boys, the moment we spent with each other allowed us to bond and get to know each other more. Now, we are more comfortable in the presence of each other. We are closer than before.

It also gave me a good time to think about every situation I am in right now. It made me think that there are really a lot of future options in GMA than in SAGA. That is why I am signing the one year contract with GMA Network.

I always enjoy talking and bonding with my friends no matter where we are. I enjoy the game we played while we are drinking the home-made Bailey’s that one of my friends made. I enjoyed walking along the shore with one of my friends talking about life and love’s angst. I enjoyed our travel from one place to another. I enjoyed every time we were inside the car singing “diva” songs like Through the Fire, If the Feeling is Gone, and Shine. I enjoyed every pictorial we had (pictures will be posted soon).

It was really fun.

Our next stop? CEBU! I wish! That will be the day…