fighter's journal

how does one say happy valentine's day to a broken heart?

i cried a thousand tears for my little prince. it just shows how much i love him already. to this love i submit myself. i can never go back. that is why i would follow what my dear friend said. i will let this unknown love to him be known.

wait, its valentine's day. the day for love. so for me, im just gona talk about this thing called love.

as everyone would agree, there is no clear definition of love. but i think everyone would agree if i say that love comes with pain. i think that would be the most accepted definition of love.

as for me, i am beginning to love the feeling of being in pain. it is as if it is a part of my existence. i cannot live without being in pain. i am becoming more vulnerable.

funny, because of all the things i have been through, i expect my self to be numb. numb by all of what he is doing to me.

is he being fair to me?

is he being fair to anyone?

for a very smart person, i will tell you this: you come short on knowing what love is. i think that's where you need to focus on.

i know you know what i am feeling. but i hope that you do not, repeat DO NOT, take advantage of my weakness. i am the type of person who would submit in what you want to happen.

in this day dedicated to everyone in love, i would say that i am not happy. i guess i never was.

i guess this is not for me.

happy valentines day to everyone in love!

but i will never know how to say this to a broken heart...

after my last post, i went home from work. little did i know that i would have dinner with him, my little prince.

though it was never exclusive (there were five of us), having him beside me while we are having dinner is enough for me.

we ate at dencio's magallanes. super sarap ng food. super busog rin ako. super saya rin.

the night was wonderful. we ate outdoors. ang lamig pa...basta for me, the nght was perfect.

then, after we ate, kwentuhan sandali. then we went to their condo for awhile. ewan ko lang pero parang bigla siyang na-down. pero hindi naman daw sabi niya.

**Personal Details on my written journal***

the night was special to me simply because this was the first time i went out on valentine's day! promise! and this was the first time i spent it with the guy i want to spend the night with. so it was WORTH it, VERY WORTH it...kahit medyo malayo ang magallanes. pagsabog man ng bus ay akin tatahakin makapiling lang siya.

the night just ended few hours ago. i slept for about 4 hours yet i am happy. i am crazy. this is me.

JUDGEMENT DAY

Tonight I’ll confess my love to you.

It took me a long time to decide on what to do with these feelings for you. But now, I am decided on what to do.

It is as simple as ABC and as easy as 123.

But what will happen is what I am scared of.

I am scared of losing him as my friend. I am scared that everything between us will change. I am scared on how he will take my confessions.

I guess I’ll just have to accept any consequences that will follow.

[I]Through the fire To the limit, to the wall For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire Through whatever, come what may For a chance of loving you I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire Even through the fire[/I]

One of my friends told me that I should risk it all, and not ALL. He told me that I should stay more on the objective side. And tonight (or maybe tomorrow night) I will put an end to this longing. I will finally find out if we are meant to be or not.

So I guess I have to say this again: this would be my last try in this certain thing called love. If this does not work out, I guess I’ll grow up alone. Alone and lonely. With no one but my family and friends.

If that happens, who cares? I have a great set of friends.

So tonight (or maybe tomorrow) I’ll tell my little prince everything he needs to know. Wish me luck.

This is not who I am.

I am not the type of guy who would go into bars and flirt with who ever I danced with. I am not the type who would flirt with at least four guys in one night. I am not the type of guy who would go around the bar kissing the lips of guys I do not even know. Then the next morning I would wake up wondering what the name of the guys (take note of the “S”) I made up with the previous night.

It is happening. I am becoming someone I do not want to become.

All because of my stupid depression and frustration over my little prince.

For those who would read this blog who know who my little prince is, let me just make it clear that I am not blaming him. I am blaming my heart also, myself.

I hate myself for being like this. My frustration led me to this. It seems as if I needed to prove something to myself. I remember my friend saying that the reason why I am like this because the one I love pays no attention to me that is why I need to feel that I am still attractive.

I am about to turn a year older tomorrow. And I think I should take my life seriously, no fooling around for me. I should be happy. I must be happy.


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a simple message for my little prince.

more like a simple question that requires a simple bt veyr meaningful answer.

am i not good enough for you?

just tell me...

if i am not. when will be the time i would be good enough for someone?

if so, well that just proves....

i am NOTHING SPECIAL...

he has not texted me yet.

he texted me last night with a silly quote.

im still waiting.

its only 5:17 AM, i still have 19 hours to wait...

he still has 19 hours to text...


____________________________________________

i am nothing special.

but i can think.

i may not be special to him.

but i have a lot of friends.

happy birthday to me...i wish i was happy...

i think i am starting my year just right.

first, i spent this year's valentines day with the one i want to spend it with.

second, i spent my birthday, also, with the one i want to sepnd the day with.

the night was wonderful, magical in some way.

my little prince was there. our friendship is more stronger than evr.

what made this year's birthday more special is that i realized something that i need to see.

as my previous post suggests, you think i told him everything na. but what made me decide not to is the fact that i really do not want to risk everything we have. and as i have said to my friends, if ever something will happen between the two of us, it could have happened before pa.

i guess i have to accept the fact that not all things is what they seem to be. i am thinking rationally now.

i guess i can say that as i turned a year older, i am wiser.

i am happy that he is there. i am happy with the fact that we are friends. but he will always be special to me, as i hope i am also special to him.

and for now, i will start to entertain other guys...any takers?