fighter's journal

bagong taon na, kailangan mag bagong buhay...

pero anong magagawa ko kung hindi ko siya malayuan? anong magagawa ko kung siya pa rin ang sigaw ng puso ko? alam kong sobrang baduy pero anong magagawa ko kung yan ang totoo?

kagabi, masaya akong nasa tabi ko siya. masaya ako ng makita ko siyang nakangiti sa akin. masaya ako na naguusap kami tungkol sa mga bagay bagay. masaya akong hawak ang kamay niya.

pero ang tanong matapos ang isang gabi, masaya ba talaga ako? masaya pa ba ako ngayong hindi ko na siya kasama?

ayokong lokohin ang sarili ko at ipilit na hindi ako nasasaktan at hindi ako nagiisip. tao lang ako, marunong magmahal. at marunong rin masaktan. gusto kong murahin ang sarili at puso ko pero bakit pa? ilan beses ko na itong namura ngunit may nangyayari ba? wala. lagi na lang ganito. paulit-ulit. nakakahilo. masakit.

katabi ko lang siya kagabi ngunit ngayon ay hinahanap ko na naman siya. hawak ko rin ang kanyang kamay ngunit ngayon ay gusto ko siyang mayakap. ang lungkot ng buhay ko. gusto kong umiyak. pero sabi ko sa sarili ko hindi na ako iiyak. gusto ko ng sumaya. pero paano ako sasaya kung hindi ko makapiling ang mahal ko? paano ako sasaya kung siya lang ang iniikot ng mundo ko. paano ako hindi iiyak kung iisang tao lang ang nais kong makasama at makapiling ngunit hindi mo siya maghagkan man lang.

bakit ganito ako? gusto ko laging nasasaktan. ang dami naman nakapaligid sa aking ibang tao ngunit bakit lagi kong gusto dun sa taong ayaw sa akin? o dun sa taong may mahal na iba? mahirap magmahal ng iba kung iisang tao lang ang gusto mong mahalin.
sakit ba ito? o gusto ko lang masaktan? masaya ako sa tuwing nasa tabi ko siya ngunit kapag gising ko kinabukasan na wala siya sa tabi ko nararamdaman ko ang sakit. ang sakit ng aking pag-iisa.

ito na naman ako...

kelan ako matututo?

bagong taon na...

kailangan magbagong buhay.

They say that life is a box of chocolates. You’ll never know what is inside. A lot of flavored chocolates are in stored for you inside that box. And as they say, in our life, all of us have that certain box of chocolates.

Well now, let me relate that to what is happening to me right now.

In my 21 years of journey in this so called life, I had opened my chocolate box and I had seen what is inside. I can say that there are a lot of choices but there is something wrong with me. I always end up with the wrong choice.

No...It is not a matter of taste that made it wrong. In fact, every chocolate I pick tastes good. But as some of the things go, every chocolate I pick did not last too soon. But still my hunger craves for that chocolate. Every time this happens, I looked at the box again and search for the chocolate of the same color and same flavor. I am so eager to find the chocolate with the same flavor that I tend to ignore those of different kinds.

Naturally, I do not want to be unfair to the other chocolates, but I am being blind to what I am doing. This is the effect of the past chocolate that I have been devouring myself into. I always get stuck to the previous taste of the chocolate and I tend to crave for more.

I know you are thinking what I am talking about. Well, if you guys haven’t got a clue yet, here goes: I am talking about LOVE. I am comparing every new love that comes with every flavored chocolate that is inside the box.

To make it simpler, here is the thingie: I am always stuck by one love that does not work out and I tend to ignore those new loves that come along.

I am stuck with my little prince. I cannot move on. How can I move on without knowing what could have been? I am the type of person who would not stop unless told to do so. Or at least, not until all the questions that are inside of me are settled. I hate the thought of moving on with my life but with one my hands hanging on to my little prince.

It would be unfair to welcome a new love with me still thinking what could have happened between me and my little prince. It would be unfair to the new love if I kept on thinking about my little prince and me.

They say that you must enjoy your box of chocolates. But how come I am not enjoying? Maybe it is because I am all tangled up trying to find the chocolate that I long for or maybe because I am still savoring the good taste of the last chocolate that I picked.

I keep telling myself that I must enjoy this box of mine. But when will I ever learn?

Again, I hate this feeling…


____________________________________________


another sad news, one of my greatest mentor in Letran College died of a heart attack last Friday.

i would go with what i said before, death is always sad.

so i offer this little space for a simple prayer for my mentor, TATA ORLY PUNZALAN.

tata orly, thanks for everything you have taught us. everything you have taught us is instilled in us. thanks for all the patience and kindness you showed us when we are still in school. we will miss you daily prayers, infectious laughters, friendly smile, and your very handsome face...goodluck on you journey. and we will see you soon! we love you, and we will definitely miss you...

After my friends read my previous post, they keep on telling me that I should try other "chocolates"...

Yeah right, like it's THAT easy...

They speak like I can just wake up one morning acting as if he does not exist in my world.

They speak like I can just go on with my life without the thought that I felt something special.

It is not that I am in the position of denying anything, rather I am in a position where I want to know what really happened...is that bad? I am not denying anything, I know for a certain fact that my prince has a princess. I just want to let him know that he is special to me.

I know I am not living in a fairy tale, but I want to face reality and I was taught that facing reality means facing what you want to know and taking up the pain no matter how hard it hurts you. So I want to tell him how I feel. The matter of timing is the biggest problem for I do not know when to say these things. Why? Because every time I am with him, all I can think is the moment I am sharing with him. I tend to forget everything that I am thinking when I am not with him. In short, I am lost for words. And I hate myself for that.

I want to face OUR reality. But let me tell you that I am not expecting anything good to happen. Frankly, what I am expecting is getting hurt again. As the famous cliché goes, expect the worse. So I am expecting the worse. and believe me, I never wanted this to happen for I vowed myself two years ago that I will let my heart rest for at least five years. And here i go again. Again, i hate myself for that.

Among my friends, I am the first to admit that confrontations are not my thingie. Butterflies flutter through my stomach every time I tried thinking of confronting someone with certain issues. And, for the third time, I hate myself for that.

I hate being unfair to others that is why I want to talk to him about these things. And I think it would be more unfair if I tried to be with someone but at the back of my mind, I know that I still long for my prince.

Am I being selfish? I think so. But I am not being selfish with others; rather I am being selfish with myself. I know it is non-sense but when you think of it, it is very true. I am stuck with my little prince and I am stuck in this loneliness. I am selfish with myself for feeling that way.

I never wanted to be in this position. But what can I do? I am already here, loving him and trying to forget about him. But even though love is too short, forgetting is too long. Though I can get over the love, forgetting him would be the problem. IMHO, forgetting is always the problem.

I still have my box of chocolates, and believe me; I am not ignoring the other chocolates. I still know that they are inside the box and I am trying hard not to be inconsiderate about their feelings. Though I know that they would not be around always, I leave it to them to make that decision. As for me, I still go with what I said; I want to know and face OUR reality. After which, I can go and check on what is left inside my box. But until then, I would find solace in my craving for my chocolate and knowing that he is just there.

Now after reading this blog, would u still consider me as a selfish being? Would you still accuse me of being in denial?