fighter's journal

that is right...i am writing this while im doing my weekend work....actually, light lang un load but still! it is saturday night and i am supposed to have fun! but ill be here til 12 then i have to go back to work tomorrow at 2pm til 10PM...hay buhay....i know i should be having fun tonight but instead i had fun last night with the bachelors and bnt channel in MIRC...

at first we watched forgotten then we went to shang to adnce for awhile...and listen to "old" songs...(un mga "fallin'" type of songs...then we went to timog pa! my god i went home at around 6...then im here, still wide awake in my work...i dont know why im liek this...

updates:i dont wanna cound bitter but OMG lang ha! i am dating young people! ha! maybe i can say that the last laugh is on me!!! hahahaha!!! im laughing! hahahahaha!!

i miss my friends...so much....i miss talking with them....just being with them....just savoring the moment that we have each other...i miss that...i miss them...i wonder when we will meet again....i really miss them...

i am kinda enjoying my work na unlike when i just started...im more comforatble with the people around me....but what the hell! i miss doing events...i really miss that...

OMG, there are a lot of things im missing...but im not missing HIM! yeah, finally, i am over him! i could write that....i am sure of that! but, i know he will always have a soft spot in my heart....

whatever! basta, i thnk i found somene who could replace him na....sana...keep all of ur fingers cross...para sure...Ü

Kitchie Nadal - Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't 'di mapakali
Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y 'wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin
Sa mga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin

Oh....
huwag na huwag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

Ano man ang iyong akala
Na ako'y isang bituin
Na walang sasambahin
'Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot-langit ang daing
Sa mga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin

Oh....
huwag na huwag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa 'yo
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa 'yo...

ESSAY ON LOVE

First love avoids conflict. Young lovers are quick to forgive and forget -- perhaps because they love for love's sake...or maybe because they are somehow aware that they lack the skills necessary to address problems or change behaviors.

First love is delicious and brutal. It is a bright fire that burns both hearts out. First love is all heart: new, raw emotions, with no rational structure on which to hang them. And it is often blind. First time lovers cannot see the condescension and jealousy for the inadequate defenses they are. They are somehow flattered by overbearing affections and jealousy demands. Young love is a reckless adventure of abandon, a complete surrender to the fullness of emotion. And a young lover bathes in this recklessness like a child immersed in the warm, exotic pool of its first holiday.

First love was a wonderful and exhausting time for me. It also felt dangerous, somehow. It was though some part of me was aware that it was too intoxicating and somehow unreal, like a fantasy. That my whole life had become consumed. And that if I allowed it to continue. I would never know my life's purpose. I would never know myself. I was beginning to suspect I wasn't truly in love. I was in love with the idea of being in love.

My love...this love...like the strong and delicate folds of an origami box. It strengthens with each kiss of paper upon paper. And so it is made the same way, unfolding day by day, promise by promise -- as we unfold ourselves. How do you deconstruct the house that this love built? Corner by corner, vow by vow...unthinkably alone...

How do I want love to be? I want love to be simple. I want to trust without thinking. I want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally. It is easier to love a person with their flaws than to weed through them. I want to love the whole person, not parts; and this is how I want to be loved...

id like to share to u some of my poems...

STILL

god how i miss u still...
the days that we shared remains as a memory in my head...
when can i see u?
god, how i long for u still..
i dont know wat to do...i am so helpless without you here beside me...
when will we be together?
god, how i miss u still...
ever since i cease to be in your arms...
i am still counting the days when u will be back...
the days has turned into yrs...
its almost four years and u r still not here by my side...
god, how i miss u...
when can i taste ur lips again??
when can u hold me in ur sweet embrace?
the yrs that i have waited is enough to make me insane...
i miss you still...
i long for you still..
and I LOVE YOU STILL...

c Chicco
may 14 2002
1:58 pm


ONCE AGAIN

you came in my mind again...
i cant forget all the things u said...
i thought that i could forget about you..
about my love for you...
i long for you..
your touch and your kiss
i would give everything
just to hold you once again...
to feel your embrace...
i dont know what to do...
the feelings came back
i dont know it was coming...
i really thought i was over you..
but how come
everytime you are near...
i want to touch u again...
i would give everything
to feel your love once again...

you came in my mind again...
you never left it...
you never did notice of my love...
all the things you said...
was meant to be empty...
as empty as your heart
that i want to to fill with my love...
but you never gave me a chance
to prove my love for you...
coz i would give everything...
just to show i love you again...
i am just here...
loving you...
but how come
you didnt see...
my love for you is real
my heart beats for you again..
i want to love you once again...

july 27, 2002
11:20 am


29

this will be the last day that i will think of you...
this will be the last night that i will cry my tears...

i have loved you too much...
too much that i left nothing for myself...
i have given u more than i want to give...
i am hurting myself just to make u happy...
maybe i expected too much from you...
maybe i have given so much love...
but what can i do?

this is the first time
that i have loved someone this much...
someone who cannot love me back...
this is the first time
that i felt helpless inside...
but there's nothing i could do...
i have to move on..
move on without you...
i never thought that love could be so painful...
or is it painful because of you?
though you have nothing to lose,
i can lose everything because of you...
that's how much i love you...
i wish you know...

that i have loved you too much...
that i have left nothing for myself...
you promised me nothing...
and you gave me nothing but pain...
i also promised you nothing...
but i have given you more than you expected...
what can i do?

this is the first time
that i have loved someone this much...
this will also be the first time
that i will let go of someone who doesn't know of my love
it is hurting me too much...
i will cut the cord between the two of us...
you are hurting me...
i am hurting myself...
i must let you go...
but what is love with out you?
though its killing me...
i would let you go...
without you knowing that i love you...
just wishing that you knew...

this will be the last day that i will think of you...
this will be the last night that i will cry my tears...
i love you too much...

october 30, 2002
3:06 pm

i still cant believe im here at work....haaay....

u know what...mahal ko na siya..i dont know..but my god, he is on my mind since last night and i keep remembering his voice...his touch..everything about him! it is totally official! mahal; ko na siya!

another weekend work...and i must say..i am quite enjoying here....

another thought... the pass word of this new journal is..guess what? not his name anymore! i am moving on! yahoooo!!!! applaud applaud! thank you!

hay...i just wish someone would come into my life again..i miss hugging someone...kissing someone....making lambing and texting someone sweet nothings..sharing intimate moments with someone...i just miss being with someone i love....haayy....

i cant believe im here....SOP in studio three...i would like to go there but i cant. however, i saw dingdong dantes and joline awhile ago..wala lang...

more later....

Christina Aguilera - Fighter Song Lyrics

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter


THANK YOU! and GOODLUCK....i am moving on with my head up high! with sorrows behind me but the lessons i keep....=)


kaya nga ako fighter21 sa chat eh! hehehehe!!!!

i just realized..its been two years! two years of being alone and single! could u believe it?!!? i cant!

i just want to love and be loved....its that simple ryt? then why is it so hard to achieve? how can something so simple be so complicated?

im so f*cked up! i dont know why....this song keeps on playing in my mind...

If The Feeling Is Gone
by Kyla

Album :


If the feeling is gone
please don't pretend that you still love me
I can see it in your eyes
and it hurts to admit it
I can't tell that the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honestly
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you know
If the feeling is gone


There is sadness in your smile
Though it try to conceive it
I can't tell if the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honestly
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you know
If the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honestly
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you know
I just have to let you know
If the feeling is gone....

this is the most boring work day ever! im just here at my computer..typing in my tabulas and blogs...feeling the cold air of this office..watching s files and the buzz...dreaming of him...hehehehe

i cant believe he still remains in my mind for the past two days! am i that desperate? no, i dont think so...

i am cold and hungry...i dont think the canteen is open today...hay...where would i eat kaya?

i made it through!
i thought i could never live wthout u...
without ur smile...
without ur touch...
and the most important thing,
without u beside me
telling me how special i am to u...
telling me how much i mean to you...
those words...
those empty words...
which i used to believe...
guess what?
they dont mean a thing to me anymore..
i learned how to live without u....
i learned to walk away from u...
and i also learned how not to
keep on coming back to you
everytime i walk away....
my heart learned how to beat on its own...
it learned how to beat without saying your name...
and at night i cease to dream of you...
because i made it through!
i moved on...
moved on away from the memories...
moved on away from ur arms...
moved on away from u...

in fairness, the food was great! i ate chicken "something" basta its sweet and one and a half rice...so im mdyo busog na..

thoughts? multo! we ar ewatching RATED K's halloween special...made me think about the documentary which we stopped doing cause we got scared...could u believe we went to UP Los Banos at midnight just to shoot for that documentary...but in fairness to us, we got some awesome clips...but its hard to give the story a new angle...so we shifted to a documentary about KALESA....(which btw, won the best docu in our school that year...ahem...) sadly, the scary clips are gone. sa sobrang dami ng gastos that time, we decided na patungan un mga tapes na un ksi we dont have enough money to buy new tapes for the mini dv....bummer! we could have made a lot of money if we sell that to tv stations in times like these...halloween i mean..

i miss my groupmates...chi cha productions...why chi cha? while we were having overnights to brainstorm, before we go to the house which we would sleep in, we would pass by 7 11 just to buy chichirias and food...thats the history of that name..chi cha productions...we always had fun! i remember when we went to volets cavite to swim and hang out! we went to this videoke bar! haay, i miss school and everything in it..friends, projects, assigments, overnights, papers, exams, hanging out...almost everything!

school, its just a memory to me....thats the sad part...i could nver go back...i know i could but not with the same people i spent school with...i think thats what i miss...the people i love......my friends...my school mates, my classmates....hay....

im waiting for TV Patrol Sunday..im gonna monitor it....two and a half hours to go!!! im home! my sked tom is from 4-12mn...night shift ulit ako...but on friday, kyla's concerT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im sorry, i just ate thats why im like this...

im done with monitoring tv patrol....one hour and 15 minuts to go and my shift would end....so nothing much to do...

hay naku...im tired na...i wanna sleep this night out..i wanna go hom na...aaarrgggh!! my mom still hast texted me if they are gonna fetch m or not..i hope they do..i hate to spend money for cab fare! they are so mahal na...

now, im waiting for jasmine's concert...hay naku....

how can i say i love you
when i only saw u twice?
how can i say i need you
when i dont even know u?

how could that happen?
is this the magic of love?

how can i fall so fast?
im not saying i fell already...
what im trying to say
is that i am starting to fall..
here i go again...

will this be the first time
i would be loving someone
after two long years?
are you the one i was waiting for?
if it is you, i think it is worth the wait
and the pain...

pls come into my life right now...
i need you....

20 minutes to go and im outta here...my moms gonna fetch me...

hay naku....my duty tom is from 4pm - 12 mn...night shift ulit...kakanatok un..but with my journals and chikka..ill survive....

jasmine's concert in abc 5 but i cant wtch it kasi lahat dito sa news nakanuod...

im excited for kyla's concert! todo na toh..i ope she could fill the place up!

OMG! wala pa un kapalit ko dito...and its only 18 minutes away....OMG lang....

i miss him already....


hay.......goodluck to me!

it is already 10:07 and the one who is supposed to take my place is not here yet...will he arrive...my mom is on her way na!! how can this happen?

im watching jasmine's concert....nakatakas..hehehe

more later..ill try to go online when im home...so...this is my last post from the office! ciao!!

guess what?? my sked for this week is from 12 nn to 8 pm...hay naku...late na ako...

i dreamt of him last night..it was so real...nagchachat daw kami...tapos he was saying na he likes me but he is not ready for another relationship...tapos he asked me kung pwede siyang tumawag sa house..sabi ko sure..then i woke up@ it was just a dream....

thougts thoughts thoughts: if he likes me, why wont he text me???

another thought: when can my mom accept that i am growing up...no make that i am grown up already...u know my dilemma ryt now? how can i ask for permission for galera this weekend...i really want to come...but i dont know i am with and where i am going...i could say i am going to galera...but who i am with is the big question...i could fake it..but my god...it is too risky....OMG! i ahve to make something up!

one more thing: i could watch kyla without being absent from work....diretso na ako dun...hehehe...

hay naku....i miss him already!!!

last saturday was a blast!! first i got off form work at around 5:30pm then i went str8 to galleria to watch movie with BNT guys...

we watched forgotten, i was with cholo(halah) and emman (emman) and they were fun! =) then after that we went to shangri- la. i hang ed out with ferdie, alex and cholo and danced the night away....sandali lang kais medyo corny un band...

know what? i dont feel like giving out all the details..kasi baka mabasa eh...mahirap na...so im just gonna say after shang, we went to timog...i really enjoyed their company and next week they are going to galera. and i REALLY WANT TO GO! but i dont know if my mom's gonna let me....OMG, i feel like a 12 yr old kid...

hay..but i really enjoyed the night...looking forward to next gimik..or to galera...who know?!? maye i would work on something before satruday! keep ur fingers crossed!

one hour to go...

ill go online later....

hay naku...

i miss him..and im thinking of him....sana i could talk to him...

haaay...guess what? im still thinking of him...kainis na!

im here at work til 8 pm..ms A. frmo saga called...giving me racket, for BMW kasi sabi da wni ms bambi sa kanya na i want racket, BUT my god i have to decline kasi i have no free time..bka hindi ako makafocus sa work ko..kainis!! i want to work pa naman!! i dont think i could do some racket anymore! OMG lang!!

im so sleepy...hhaaaayy..

OMG, i did a typo on my last monitor...lumapit pa boss ko sa akin..but its ok na...hay naku..buhay...

got another call from halah/cholo...inviting me to galerA!!! OMG! i really want to go....i do1 promise!!!

keep ur fingers crossed!!!!!!

its pay day! my brak would be fro 1:30 - 2:00 i hope i would be able to encash it later...

papaalam na alng ako kay mam grace...

got pemission to go to galerA!!!!!!!

its pay day! my brak would be fro 1:30 - 2:00 i hope i would be able to encash it later...

papaalam na alng ako kay mam grace...

got pemission to go to galerA!!!!!!!

what is on ym mind ryt now? to change my password in friendster...

i made that account when i was madly in love with that person..now that i am moving on and dating others...i should change it ryt? but i dont think i can...

no..i can do it..i will change the password of my account...

and if i was able to do that, then i can say that i am at least 90% over him...

im gonna change it later...after news...

changed it!! hahaha!!!!

i changed my friendster password...see im getting there..

im hungry...and i waiting for sentro to start...

people are running around the newsroom because 24 oras will start in a few minutes...

i wonder what galera holds for me?

keep ur fingers crosseD!

shall i go?
shall i stay?

OMG!! this is killing me!!!!!

im having second thoughts...why? i dont even know...

but these are some of the reasons:
1. i would only stay for over night..will it be worth it?
2. though i have money ryt now, i still have to weeks before the next pay day...
3. concert of kyla the night before we leave...
4. it is raining ryt now and we will be travelling by boat...


hay...ang gulo ko talaga. though i have permission na...im still having second thoughts...

later...

im still thinking if i would go or not...ang arte ko kasi! hehehe...

meeting place would be at cubao tritan terminal at 4Am...kaya konaman siguro un from kyla's concert....haay.. naku....tapos two-three hosr daw ang biyahe....

kyla's concert! OMG! only one day to go! so excited!!

ui think im going to galerA! is this final?

i would go to galera!!!!

no let me say that in this way:

I WOULD GO TO GALERA



OMG!!!!!!

im excited! kylas concert...sold out na un 600 so i jhave to buy the 800 ticket!

i think ill go to galera....even if it would cost me a bundle! everyone thinks i should go....but something is botheringme still...i dont know what...

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh...

ang gulo1!!

OMG..this is the day....i mean THE day!

no make that THE weekend! first, kyla's concert! then galera getaway!!!!

it is official!!

I AM GOING TO THE CONCERT THEN AT GALERA!



OMG lang talaga!!!!!!!!!!!

it my moms bday pala..my brother's bday would be on the 14th, sunday....

galera!!!!!!!!! yiphheeEE!!!!

cholo/halah is cming! now im excited

hahahaha!!!

OMG IM GOING TO GALERA!!!


kylas concert in five and a half hours!!!! i cant wait for that!!!!!!!!

i just watched kylas live performance of if the feeling is gone...my god!!!! im getting more excited on her concert!!

OMG!!! she is soo good!

hay naku..its cold in here..i wonder what galera holds for me...

i am alone in our cubicle...haay..thinking of him...AGAIN...hahaha!

im so in love!

ayoko na sa mga mahihilig sa yaya!

my god! the concert was a blast!!! kyla is soooo good!!!!!

and galera rocked!! something happened1 so memorable...OMG lang....i cant forget that magical moment..even if it lasted for only a second or two...its magical! for me at least...

more later!

last friday, after work, i went straight to araneta for kyla's concert...the oncert started at around 9:15 and ended at around midnight. Alex(hectorxxx) and two of his friends watched the concert...my god! kyla was great! she sang around 40 songs...and boy, she was really really good! i am so glad i watched the concert.

i went hom at around 12:30 am, my kuya fetched me at starbucks. then i packed up my things for galera...i barely slept that night. so when i went to the terminal, my head was really aching. we boarded tha bus at 4:30 and it left at 5:00am. i planned to sleep in the whole trip but sad to say, hindi rin ako nakatulog...so when we arrived at the port..i was really grumpy..but smiling pa rin...i am not a morning person talaga.

we left the port at 8:00 am in a boat...OMG! ilang santo na natawag ko because the water was so choppy..mga one and a hlaf hour akong nasa bangka! as in nakakapit lang talaga ako dun sa kahoy sa tabi ko at namumutla na...pwamise....we arrived at around 9:30 am. tapos naghanap ng room...

btw, ang mga kasa was, cody, charles, paolo(batch), cholo, paolo (accel), matthew, ge-el (plus bf), emman and karlos.

after we settled down, we ate lunch..it was so tagal....tapos hindi pa ata luto un chicken curry ko! after that, volleyball then swim...hindi na talaga ako natulog forever...tapos, snorkling kami...tapos night...INUMAN!!! senglot lahat...hehehe...

details...details...wag na....sa private journal ko na lang un...

tapos kinabukasan, cholo, patrick and I left galera at around 9:30 am. Arrived in Manila at around 12:30..

ayun../..

grabe...galera was so magical....

it was just a kiss...
more of a smack..
that lasted for a second or two...
but i dont know..
why im feeling this way...
it was so magical...
i can feel your lips until now...
ur hands holding mine...
ur eyes staring at me...
i know im drunk that night..
but what happened between us was so vivid...
so surreal...

i know it was just a kiss...
more of a smack...
but i dont know...
you kept my heart racing...
you kept my heart beating...

i know it was just a kiss..
more of a smack...
but i think it was enough...
for me to fall in love with you...

november 15, 2004
chicco

ARGH!!

i acnt help but think of him!!

its been awhile since i felt this way...

OMG!

thats how i am feeling right now..a little bit of everything....

i am a little bit of crazy coz i kept on thinking of him and everything about him...

i am a little bit of a fool coz he never left my mind since the last time we saw each other..

i am a little of lonely coz i could never touch him right now, or even be with him...

i am a little bit mad to myself for not making the galera trip VERY worthwhile...

i am a little bit of excited as i await when ill see him again...

i am a little bit of tired, waiting for his call..or even a text...

i am a little bit of hopeful that someday, he will be mine....

i am a little bit of nervous that this won't work out again....

i am a little bit of confused on how i feel about him...

and all i need is a cure...

just a little bit of him....
and i would fall....

im looking forward for our next gimik...

im here at work...still cold....

im sleepy and i think im sick...

ill be here til 8 pm...but lately ive ben cutting off my time up to 7.30 pm...

and IM STILL THINKING OF HIM....

haaaayyyy...

and now it can be told...

i can listen to the song Because of You without breaking into tears...without me reminiscing every single moment with the one i sang the song to...

HAHAHAHAHA!!

and now it can be told...

i am over him!!!!!!!!!

hahaha!

now, i wonder...

i am reading my testimonials in my friendster...they all have the common thing to say to me...sweet, loving, caring, friendly, cute(daw!).... and now i began to wonder...

if i am what they say that i am...why is it that i am alone? i mean, bakit walang nagmamahal sa akin? do i lack something? if i do? ano un? haay naku...

more later...

news na...

i never thought that there is life after a relationship wherein u gave all ur heart and soul...i never thought that this two-year yearning to bring back what we used to have will end...

i never thought i was capable of loving again...i never thought someone would come and take your place in my heart...

a year ago, i thought my heart was so tired to love again... i thought that i would be stuck with u forever...coz i keep going back where we used to stand...keep going back to where we used to be...i keep on missing you...my heart keeps beating your name...i keep running back to you, the one thing i need to walk away from....i remember every night my eyes used to cry....i remember loving you even more everytime you hurt me...i remember how your sorry makes me forget everything u did...

about six months ago, i tried to cut the line that ties our hearts together, or at least tied my heart with urs...i tried cutting it so my heart could beat on its own..so that my love will not be rotten by your empty words...by your fake love...

and now i came to realize you never loved me as a person..u just loved what i was doing to you...you just loved seeing me adore u so much that i have lost interest in loving myself...i gave u everything i was capable of giving, and at times, i gave you even more...some things that was not in my control but i made a way just for you to have it your way...you never really loved me...you just loved everything that i was capable of giving you...

but now i am glad that it ended....i came to my senses and realized that there is really someone for me...someone who will love me for what i am and whom i can love the way i want to love...someone who will love me that way i want to be loved...i know someone better than you would come...someone who could give me better than u have offered before...now i can walk away from you, without me walking back...

i just want to thank you for showing me what unconditional love really is...in teaching me how to love without anticipating something in return...thank you for everything u taught me...

boy, am i glad that it has now ended...i can go on living my life without breaking into tears everytime i hear my song for you...i can go on my life without you telling me what i need to do...i can go on my life without me hoping that someday we could bring back what we used to have....

coz now, i have moved on...moved on away from you...

and now i can't wait to love again....

OMG! christmas is near!

but i cant feel it... though i can feel the longer and colder nights...but i cant feel THE spirit....

no xmas decors yet in our house...

and the deadline is nearer...lapit na! i dotn want to spend xmas alone!!!

ms bambi texted me...she said direk waned me to help out in MTV Fashionista...that would be on wednesday...i think i want to help kahit wala akong tulog...i miss being ngarag...hay naku...

inspired kasi ako..that's why...

it was so traffic! there's this jeep na nakaharang sa daan kasi nabanga. i wanted to cry na kasi i am late na sa work! and i am thinking how selfish jeepney drivers are! hay naku...

later, ill meet with the bnt group...baka di na me makasama sa movie...kasi til 8 ako..

haay naku....gimik na naman toh later! when will i ever stop?

i wish it could be this easy....
to just click away and press delete....

delete...

delete...

delete...

delete all memories...

delete all messages...

delete all words...


how i wish it was that easy....
to just delete...

delete everything that had happened
between the two of us...

to just press delete...
erase all?
oh please...


coz if u can do it...
why can't i?

oh how i wish it would be easy...
to just press delete...

and delete you in my life...


chicco

im here at SAGA, for the BMW search! im so sleepy and to think that my job has just started..OMG! tapos tom after the show, go str8 to mt friends' house for a sleepover! hehehehe...

day off ko naman ng thursday kaya ok lng...

hay naku, im so pressured...last sunday afternoon, i just cried for no reason...i know that is silly. but u know the feeling when ur just fed up with everything and u need an outlet to release it all out...and my outlet would be...crying...hay naku..buhay...i assure u on thursday, i would be crying like crazy! after this events...

hay naku..buhay...im so tired...magxxmas na..need to have money...

maybe i deserve to wear extra challenge's t shirt saying I SURVIVED! because i believe that i really survived the two-day ngaragan!

when we went to le pavillion i thought i could sleep for about five hours coz the rehearsals ended at around 12. then we had a pre prod meeting which lasted until 2:30 pm! then we plotted the seats for the events..so at around 4:30am, my boss finally gave up and said she also wanted to sleep...so i went to the room at the backstage of le pav to sleep..i have to be awake by seven so i could continue the other works given to me..

i set my alrm at 7:00am...my god! i didnt sleep at all..first it was so cold..second, i was concious on the alarm and i just waited for it to go on! at 7:30 am..i finally gave up trying to sleep. i took a bath(bad since i didnt have any sleep) and went out to check on things...then the whole day i was awake...

show proper! it was good! no it was great!!! the stage was very very nice, the choreo was good...and the flow of the show was smooth...

made me miss doing events...
btw, bridget inoferio, one of my BOdyshots baby, won the title!

im such a fool...i dont think there would ever be THE ONE for me...

how can i believe ur empty words...that left my heart empty...

now im back to where i started..loveless and depressed...

back to reality...why? is there any problem with me?

ARGH! i hate this feeling...

i feel so unwanted...

undesirable...

ARGH! i really hate this feeling...

and at xmas time! my gosh!


ARGH! i ahte this feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bakit ganoon? i could never be good enough for someone....i always end up crying my tears out...

bakit ganoon?! my god!!!

when will i be totally happy...as in HAPPY in everything i do....

i am happy with my friends though...only god knows how many times i prayed to Him thanking him for giving me great friends!

im still at the desk thinking of all the possibilities that could happen....

i want him so badly...

haay naku...

if only he could see how much love is in store for him...maybe he would want me..

or maybe not...

ARGH!

i really hate feeling this way...did i mention that already?

love...love really makes the world go round..it can make u go crazy...could make you think of doing things which u are not supposed to be doing...

is love really like that?

all i want to happen is for love to be simple...
as simple as waking up each morning, comfortable with the thought that someone is also waking up thinking of you...

as simple as being with the other, feeling as if there is no one around the both of you...

i want to trust without having second thoughts...i want to be generous with my affection and patience and love unconditionally...i want to love a person who is perfect for me despite his flaws...

i just want to be loved..that's it...

i want someone to be a part of my everyday life...
i want somone who feels like we just had the best conversaton without me saying a thing..
i want someone who will fight for what he believes in....
i want someone who will argue with me but we would compromise in the end...
i want someone who would treat me the way i want to be treated and ill treat him they way he wants to be treated....
i want someone who will give me hugs and kisses...
i want someone who could fulfill my needs as a person...
i want someone who could make me laugh in the middle of my tears...
i want someone who could make me cry in the middle of my laughters...
i want someone..

just someone....

is it that hard?

ARGH!!
OMG!!
i cant believe im back to this...

sunday work is a bore..nothing left for me to do but to write here...

but what is to write about...thats another problem...

sunday work is not the only one whos boring...my lifes also boring...

hay...

if only he would come into my life and make it exciting for me...

i am thinking of a possible ALIAS name that i could give him...

superhero name?

superman? i dont think so...
bat man? reminds me of my friend...

his favorite writer? OMG...that i have to find out...

oh no..

i just found a perfect name...

my LITTLE PRINCE

what happened my little prince?
why did u just fade away in my dreams...
why did u just left me all alone in my bed...
or i was the one who faded?

what happened to the words u said?
is it empty? as empty as my heart ryt now?
where are u now? are u lost?
as lost as my heart longing to be with u...

ARGH! i cant focus! more later!

i told you not to check on his friendster page...
it can hurt you a lot seeing your prince saying something for someone...
and that someone is, guess what? not you...

i told you not to wait for him to add you in his list...
it hurts you a lot evyertime you open your account...
without a request from him...

i told you not to cling on every word he says...
words are powerful...
it can make u cry...
it can kill you...

i told you not to be hopeful something could happen...
you did it once before...
and what did it bring you?
nothing but pain...
nothing but hurt...
nothing but tears...

i told you not to expect anything to happen...
it hurts to wait for nothing..
it hurts to wait in vain..

i am at the losing end...
i always stand here..
and i think this will be my permanent place...
when it comes to love..

now, tell me
how can i let go of you...
you who are the reason why i let go
of my last prince...

now who can i cling on to?

ARGH!!!!!!!! i really hate this feeling!

C	Creepy
H	Helpful
I	Irresistible
C	Cute
C	Cranky
O	Odd

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

if i was helpful, irresistable and cute, why is it im not with someone?

argh!

C	Complicated
E	Emotional
S	Scary
A	Arty
R	Responsible
W	Weird
I	Innocent
L	Lazy
L	Luxurious
I	Intelligent
A	Adventurous
M	Meek

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com


now u all know what my real name is...

1. Pag ikaw nagpakamatay, anu gagamitin
mo?
ako? magpapakamatay? siguro overdose ng
sleeping pills...i wanna die without pain
kasi....takot ako sa pain...and blood...takot ako sa
mga ganoon...

2. Sa tingin mo, papano ka mamamatay?
i dont know...pero gusto ko painless
talaga..promise..

3. Sino si Kamatayan?
service ng mga patay....=)

4. susulat ka ba ng suicidal letter, o ibblog
mo na lang?
blog at sulat..madrama ako eh...tsaka im sure
long letter un...kasi madrama nga ako..

5. Para kanino?
sa lahat ng mga tao sa buhay ko...

6. Kung patay ka na, sino una mong dadalawin
un mga nanakit sa akin...hehehe..un mga gusto ko
pang makita for the last time...

7. Mag papa make-up kaba sa libing?
-- naman! tsaka gusto ko kakaiba un damit ko...

8. Anung attire ang gusto mo sa wake?
-- very cool...gusto ko walang black..gusto ko
white and light blue lang....gusto ko rin may
balloons...and stuff....gusto ko maliwanag un
room...

9. Dapat ba iiyakan ka?
ewan ko nga kung may iiyak eh...

10.Anung gusto mong songs sa lamay mo?
cant take that away, beautiful, i will be there ni
kyla, madami...gusto ko rin kakanta un mga
friends ko ng mga songs nla for me...

11. Brewed coffee ba o 3 in 1?
vanilla ice

12. Anung brand ng biscuit?
graham crackers.

13. Scented candles ba ang trip mo o yung
dilaw?
-- scented...!

14. Sinong gusto mong mag speech sa
libing mo?
-- family, friends...lahat ng friends..lahat ng mga
natouch ko ang buhay...pati un mga naging mahal
ko sa buhay...at syempre ang present love ko...

15. Anung sugal ang dapat meron?
-- wala naman siguro..parang ayoko nun....

16. Ang abuloy ba in kind or in cash?
-- cash! hehehe..pwede rin in kind..depends sa
kanila...

17. Kung mamamatay ka na bukas, anu ka
ngayon?
tao pa rin nga!

18. Tingin mo magiging kerubin ka?
yeah..i had my past life analogy before...he said i
was an angel..a good angel before i became the
chicco i am now..kaya nga minsan naiisip ko may mga features ako ng isang anghel...hehehehe..

19. Sa langit ka kaya o sa hell? How about
purgatory?
sana sa langit....

20. Maliban sa friends and family, sino pa sa..
im sorry? i didnt get ur question.

21. Iiyakan ka kaya ng mga ex mo?
sana.....uha uha!

22. Magkikita kaya tayo sa heaven?
ewan ko sa iyo..sino kba?

23. Naging bad ka ba nang buhay ka?
yeah, but there are more good deeds than bad
ones.

24. Anung gagawin mo sa yaman mo?
sa family ko at friends..kung sobrang yaman ako!

25. Anung brand ng cellpon mo ba, ha?
-- nokia..anong konek?

26. Kung magpapakamatay ka nga talaga
bukas,anung gagawin mo ngayon?
ill call my friends and tell them how special they
are to me...ill also call my little prince..and tell him
how i love him ryt now...and how i long to hold him
in my arms...

28. San mo balak magpakamatay?
sa kama ko..

29. Pumatol ka na ba sa bakla?
hahaha!

30. May salamin ka ba sa kwarto?
meron po.

31. Nakapasok ka na ba sa motel? Sinong
kasama mo?
yeah...secreto...

32. Balik tayo sa kamatayan. iiyakan ka ba ng
nakasama mo sa motel?
naman! buhya pa nga lang, iniyakan na ako!
hehehe

got nothing to do but to accept the fact that there is no me and him...

there is no me and my little prince...

he will always be this guy who gives out sweet nothings to all those who are vulnerable to what he would say...

he will always be like that...

nothing more...

nothing less...

im stil at work..only an hour to go...

but still thinking of him...

hay...

my little prince...

when will u come into my life...

someday ill write our story in my journal...

someday soon...

when i am over this feeling...

i think it is time to write about our story... there was never an US...just him and me...

it started over a month ago. when we went to a party near my work before. he was just this guy who dances as the band plays and i was this guy who stayed away from him that night because we never was formally introduced...but i was shocked when he called me by name while we were eating that night. after that night, i decided that i should give my heart another chance to love...

i decided that i want to love again. and i realized the day after, that it has been two years since i loved someone. its been two years of holding on, hoping we could bring back what we have. its been two years since i have been crying over a guy who does not care of anyone but himself.

i decided that it is about time to end the longing. so i moved away from him and started to live my life again.

after a week, i saw my little prince again. and that time i was aware that i really like him. and since then, i kept on dreaming of him. i kept on thinking how good it feels to love him and to be loved by him.

after that a lot of things happened. he kissed me, we held hands. and as those things happen, i cannot help but to fall. but not that hard. i just felt that he is the ONE for me.

and then it just ended.

my dreams faded.

my love unrequited.

my little prince vanished from our kingdom.

now im left all alone.

alone and lonely....


btw, on the way to work, i heard the song, "a little bit" in the car.

ARGH!

i just read my testimonials...
niña wrote that i had the most stones in our retreat...just by reading her words, made me cry and remember that night...

let me tell u about the night we went at the bonfire in Calaruega.

it was after our confession when father Joemar announced that we would have a bonfire and our last activity for the day would take place beside the bonfire.

when we arrived at the bonfire, father Joemar asked us to pick up three stones and give it to the person who have touched your life deeply. i got seven stones. i have the most stones than anyone else...at first i was really overwhelmed, i didnt know what to say. i was really speechless.

the next day wehad our last mass. when fr joemar asked us to hug each other and say peace to everyone. there, i broke down and cried. well, we ALL broke down and cried. we were all thikin how much we have shared. we were thinking that we would soon part ways, and how we would be soon trekking our own seperate worlds. then after the "crying" moment, fr Joemar asked if somone would want to say something. to my surprise, i found myself raising my hand.

why did it surprise me? im not good in public speaking..but there i was in front of my block mates...speaking (and crying my tears out) my emotions. i told them how i was touched when i recieved most of the stones. i thanked them for being my strenght everytime i falter. i thank them for being there and understanding me in every way.

i thank them for being them.

thats it...that was a memorable retreat...the most memorable on i ever had...

i miss ca4a!!!! i miss school!!!

mwah!!!

I Feel For You
by Kyla

Something inside,
My heart,
And it feels like magic,
It's changing my life.
Since you came to me,
Everything is so bright I see
You touched my heart,
And gave me love so real.

This time around I wanna let it show
There's something special,
In my heart you ought to know

I feel for you,
I mean I truly love you
In my heart and in my soul
You are my love
You are my all
I feel for you
I mean always love you
Because to me
You are a dream
Come true

Love grows
Everyday
And it's hard to deny it
You inspire me all the way
The joy you bring
Makes my heart keep on singing
And all I wanna do
Is to remain close to you

This time around I wanna let it show
There's something special
In my heart you ought to know

I feel for you
I mean I truly love you
In my heart and in my soul
You are my love you are my all
I feel for you
I mean I'll always love you
Because to me you are a dream
Come true

You are my angel in disguise
You are the reason I survive
With you each moment is worthwhile
You make me smile
And if without you
Surely I cry

I feel for you
I mean I truly love you
In my heart and in my soul
You are my love you are my all
I feel for you
I mean I'll always love you

Because to me you are a dream(3x)
That's what I feel for you...



A Little Bit
by MYMP

I was kinda hesitant to tell you
Should I let you know
I was never really like this before
Need I say more

Or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
I don't know what to do or I should be
There's only one thing in my mind
That's you and me

[Chorus:]
I'm a little bit of crazy
I'm a little bit of a fool
I'm a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all
Oh, I need a cure
Just a little bit of you
And I will fall

I'm always on the run to see you
Would you allow me to
It wasn't my attention to hurt you
This feeling is true

Or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
I don't know what to do or I should be
There's only one thing in my mind
That's you and me

[Chorus:]
I'm a little bit of crazy
I'm a little bit of a fool
I'm a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all
Oh, I need a cure
Just a little bit of you
And I will fall

I Will Be There Lyrics
by Kyla

whenever you feel all alone
whenever you feel there is no reason to go on
when there is doubt in your heart
when there is no one in this world that you can't find

who will give you support in everything you do
and who will believe that you will see things through

*i will be there
i'll be there
i'll be your shoulder you can lean on
i'll be your friend you can depend on
i will be there
i will be there

there are times
when things go wrong
yes there are times when you just feel you don't belong

there are days
when things don't go right yes there are days when you're not willing to find

you will need someone
who will tell you its ok
and someone who believes
believes in you all the way

(repeat * * *)

i used to be a happy person...

but what happened to the jolly and bubbly chicco i used to know back in high school? what happened to the happy-go-lucky chicco?
what happened to the chicco who does not need to hide any feelings?

now, i have become someone that i don't want to become...someone who is afraid to show people how he really feels. i am afraid to show people that i am not happy. i fear to tell them because i am afraid of what they can say. and i always thought that in my circle of friends, i am always the onewho gives out positive and good aura. when they learn how i really feel, would they be able to take it? there is a lot of emotions brewing up inside of me ready to burst....

when i was younger, i used to believe that what you see outside a person should reflect what he feels inside. but what happened to me? whenever i m around ym friends, i am all smiles, bubbly and jolly...but at the end of the day or whenever i am alone, i feel the emptiness and hurt...

i remember when i was young, i find refuge in dreaming and fantasizing that i was in love...i remember how i thought love is so simple...how i dream of someone loving me...how i dream that one day i would be with someone so perfect for me...it was with child like fascination that i grew to know love...draming of someone pefect...thinking it would be that simple...

now that i am growing up, does it have to be this way? is there anything wrong with me? or love is really like this? how many times do i have to try before finally loving someone right for me? how many "someone" would pass by my life thinking he is the one for me? tell me...so i have to stop thinking....

this is driving me crazy...

and all i want is someone to love...

so i guess this is my last try..im taking my shot in this crazy world...if this fails...i guess love isnt really for me....i just have to accept that i will grow old alone..with no one but my family and friends...

i keep searching the net for the lyrics of this song but i cannot find any sites containing the lyrics of this song...

the first verse and the chorus is stuck in my head:

sumubok na akong umibig
at nagbigay ng tunay na pagmamahal
ngunit kami ay nagkalayo,
dahil hindi kami magkasundo.
heto ka, bagong magmamahal
nangangako na tayo ay magtatagal...
ano ba ang dapat kong gawin
sana ay pagbigyan ang aking hiling...

huwag ka lang mawawala...
kapag nariyan ako'y sumisigla...
kahit hindi ko pa kaya ang magmahal
sana sa akin ay hindi magsasawa...
puso'y ibibigay sa iyo...
sa oras na maghilom ang sugat nito...
panahon lamang ang hinihiling sa iyo...
sana ay pagbigyan mo ako...
huwag ka lang mawawala..

LSS ata ito...

actually, type is more like it...
to type my thoughts down...

whats on my mind?

still my little prince...

argh!

btw, im in our cubicle listening to kyla's concert. its my thirty minute break and im so sleepy....

*yawn*

i cant wait to go home and sleep...
oh my! i have to go to saga pa pala to get my payroll for BMW...

oh well..im gona sleep muna...knowing SAGA, mmga 7 pa release ng sweldo...

:smile:

hey..its been awhile since i last talked with you or even saw you...

i have been missing your voice since then..

i have been missing your face too...

i have been missing you...

this is gonna be the first time im gonna tell you this words...and i guess this would be the last(though im hoping this would not be the last)...ever since my eyes laid upon your face, im not the same...

ever since your smile shined upon me, i was never the same again...

you showed me something that let me let go of the love i have been holding for two years...

you showed me something that let me know that there is a whole wide world waiting for me out there...

i dont wanna sound melodramatic, but you really showed me the way of getting over someone i thought i wasnt gonna get over with...

before you came, i thought that my heart was so tired of loving. i thought that my heart became rot with the fake and empty words of my previous love. i thought that my heart grew restless trying to wait for something for two years. i thought that my heart would not beat for someone else because it kept beating the name of the one i loved before. and i keep going back to the one thing i need to walk away from.

but when you came, my heart began to beat on its own. i learned to walk away without going back.

with this, i wanna say thank you...

thank you for everything you showed me...

this will also be the first time im gonna tell you this...

but believe me it's true...

i love you...

sorry, i cant help it...

you are so damn fine!

you may not believe me but its true...

very true...

i cant believe its december!

its 24 days before xmas!

im still alone...

with no one...

but my hopes to be with someone...

before xmas day....